Tools of the Trade (Humor)

[oneheadlite]

Stumbled onto this digging through my toolbox, thought I'd share. Some are pretty old school, so you can guess how long I've had it. Geared towards mechanics/DIY'rs, but I'm someone can add some detailing ones as well!

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, today the hammer is used as a kind of divining rod to locate tender body parts not far from the object you are trying to hit.

Mechanics Knife (or - Box Cutter): Used to open cardboard boxes. It works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers. Used in haste, also targets flesh just beyond intended cutting path.

Crescent Wrench: Used to round off bolt heads.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into crooked, unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence it's course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise Grips: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetylene Torch: Used to remove rounded off bolts and free any stuck part.

Drill Press: A tall, upright machine useful to suddenly snatch flat metal stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and throws your work across the room.

Wire Wheel: Cleans rust off old bolts, then throws them under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints, warts, and calluses.

Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering low-clearance vehicles to the ground, trapping the handle firmly under the nearest overhang.

8' Long 2x4: Used to pry vehicle upward off a hydraulic jack.

Tweezers: A tool used for removing wood splinters from 2x4's.

Telephone: Tool for calling around to find another hydraulic floor jack.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Two Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

1/2" x 16" Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on one end.

Aviation Metal Snips: See Hacksaw.

Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Trouble Light: Sometimes called a drop light. It's main purpose is to consume 40 watt light bulbs. More often dark than light, it's name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt. It can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a 1/2" impact gun that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Detroit, and rounds them off.

Feel free to add to the list!

John

[Paul A.]

Those are both priceless and hysterical. I say priceless because they's all true!!!

[DavidM235ily]

I laughed out loud a bit after the Phillips Screwdriver.... Not sure if it was built up from all of them or if it was just that funny. As the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads

[oneheadlite]

I think the hacksaw, engine hoist, and trouble light are my top 3.

I'll try to add:

Detailing Clay A malleable block intended for removing contaminants from paint. More successfully used to lift all dirt and debris from the surrounding work area after evading the firmest of grips. Also useful for testing pitching speed after repeated ground encounters.

[PaulMys]

Lmao. That was good!

Laughed the hardest at the EZ out!


I'd like to add Heli-coils: A tedious at best 2 hour operation to replace stripped out female threads. To which the bigger bolt intended strips out the Heli-coil.

[oneheadlite]

Lmao. That was good!

Laughed the hardest at the EZ out!


I'd like to add Heli-coils: A tedious at best 2 hour operation to replace stripped out female threads. To which the bigger bolt intended strips out the Heli-coil.

So true! If you've ever broken a tap or easy out off in a hole, as you're trying to get it out you'd swear they're made of hardened steel and pure hatred...