Getting really annoyed...

[TH3M B0N3Z]

I'm almost 26 and my girlfriend is 25 and has a 7 year old son (please don't bother me with any, "wow, that's young to have a kid" stuff... I already know), and I've been with my gf since January of 2008, so her son was roughly 2 1/2 then. He was a typical hellian as most kids that age are extremely stubborn and want their way.

He's nearly 8 now and yet he still fusses with his mom like no other. So many times I've gotten onto him AND her because I'm seriously convinced she has no fight left in her to deal with him. Just a minute ago, I heard him talk to her so disrespectfully and I only heard her say, "Be quiet", in a hushed tone. Man, I've gotten onto him without raising my voice, just disciplining him like he needed and he's cried a river. I've gotten onto my gf many times for letting him talk to her the way he does and allowing him to behave like a baby the way he does. He'll be 8 this August and still pulls these antics with her, but as soon as he sees me, he treats me like gold.

Lately, I find myself really annoyed by and I practically lock myself in my room watching YouTube videos and talking to you guys until he goes to bed. My girlfriend is a much different person when her son is fast asleep. She's so care free, but when he's up, she's constantly frustrated by him, even when he's at school, all she does is thinks about when to pick him up, even right after she drops him off at school. He's an energetic kid and he can be annoying, but she lets it ruin her day time and time again. I've told her to not let it be that and all I get is, "I know...". Anymore, I'm just like, ###?

This crap is getting old. I tell Ryan, her son, that he needs to behave himself and he really only does it around me. I can snap my fingers and he'll do something, I can give one simple command, maybe 2, and he obeys. I know kids gives their moms a hard time, I've done it myself MANY times when I was young, but I feel like Ryan doesn't respect his mother one bit until I chime in. Back in our early days being together, I chimed in a lot and interjected myself into many spats, more so than I should have probably, but I felt like I needed to because the situations weren't being diffused quickly, ya know? Boy, those two could argue forever it seems and I wasn't into that. I'd shut it down right quick.

Hell, I've rambled so much now. Sometimes I don't know what to do. My girlfriend practically goes all day in such a grumpy-ass mood that I don't want to be around her or her son. Then when he's at school or in bed, she's perfectly fine and I like being around her. And I actually enjoy being around Ryan when my girlfriend is gone visiting her family or whatever.

Any of you guys feel this way or have you experienced anything like this?

[JAF06SE]

How do you guys discipline him? Does she do anything or does she just let him get away with anything and everything? Sounds like you need to really have a chat with her on different methods and have her try stuff and be right there to back her up if needed until he starts behaving for her.

[Setec Astronomy]

It seems to be the norm now, or maybe it was always this way and I'm just old enough to see it now. It's certainly the exception when a parent enforces the "because I'm the parent and you're the child" kind of discipline.

But yes, I've experienced something like this, and I'm not sure if his mother hasn't stood up to him by 8 that anything can be done at this point. It used to be when kids got to be 15 and they were (physically) bigger than their parents, they sometimes decided they didn't have to listen to them anymore, but when the parent lets the kid walk all over them from the time they start walking, how do you reverse that?

And yes, kids know who they can take advantage of and who they can't. Not uncommon for them to misbehave with parents and not with teachers, or grandparents who know how to handle kids.

[TH3M B0N3Z]

How do you guys discipline him? Does she do anything or does she just let him get away with anything and everything? Sounds like you need to really have a chat with her on different methods and have her try stuff and be right there to back her up if needed until he starts behaving for her.

I'm pretty tolerant of the little kid stuff he does, but very intolerant of things that he absolutely should not do.

My girlfriend, she'll get extremely annoyed and frustrated over minor things, but from I see, she'll let the big things slip by. One time he said the F-word right in front of her and she didn't notice one bit. I then had to jump in and say something. She had no clue why I was getting onto him until I explained why and even then she was just clueless.

If I try to talk to her, she sees it as me talking down to her, telling her what to do and how to do it. I'm not a perfect person or parent by any means, but I try to suggest things or alternatives.

She stands up to him a lot, but it seems she only does when she's finally had enough. When he back talks or misbehaves, I've had enough from the get-go because I feel as if he shouldn't be acting that way. I don't expect him to be an adult, but I expect him to control himself and be somewhat mature.

I don't know. It's all a mixed bag of bullshat, really.

[AutowerxDetailing]

My wife and I know a couple that seem to have the same (almost exact) situation you are describing. The dude got with this chick who had a young daughter. She is probably about 4 or 5 now and WILL NOT LISTEN at all to her mother.

I'm not really sure I have any great advice for you. I do have two sons (5 & 2) and the oldest is pretty well behaved. Every once in a while he decides not to listen and I take away video games, movies, or his current favorite toy for the next day. The 2nd time I ask he does what I say. When kids are developing their sense of self they partially do that by understanding that they can make choices for themselves (not having to do eveything parents tell them too). It is our job to re-enforce that they are their own person... but... they still gotta do what we ask.

I think the very best thing you could do is sit down with your lady and put together a plan to discipline consistently. If you are both on the same page on reprimands (time out for 5 mins for every curse word, etc) then the child will quickly understand what is acceptable behavior and what is not. It is already evident what behavior you will not allow. Your girlfriend just needs to be on the same page as you.

Best of luck bro!

Sent from my LG-VM701 using AG Online

[FUNX650]

Back in 2010...
Did this boy witness any DM?

It could have sent the: wrong message...if in fact he did.

[Fishincricket]

I'm assuming: you are like me, not a biological parent?

Disclaimer: you refer to this woman as your girlfriend, which sometimes implies different things than "wife", so bear that in mind when reading my short story. I assume that regardless of the name, you consider yourselves a "family unit".

I was 23 when I met my wife, she was 37. She had three children the youngest of which was 15, he still lives with us today at 24 years old.

I am not a parent myself and though I have nieces and nephews, I don't consider that to be the same thing. Because of this unique situation I have always been interested and observed situations like ours, someone who doesn't have a child of their own who is in this type of situation. It does make for an interesting distinction.

While I am sure my experiences were different (2 & 1/2 is quite different than 15), some things that I learned do translate:

- As parents, you must present a united front to the child, even if you two disagree, which will happen. This means discussing things often... Sometimes difficult conversations especially in your case where you're explaining to the mother things that she needs to know but doesn't want to hear. (Single mothers are notoriously protective... Though I'll admit this is just an educated assumption)

- Come to terms with their relationship. Remember #1 above, and discuss you're feelings often. Don't hold it in, you'll drive a wedge between the three of you. But also don't be so particular as to not have any room to compromise on your stance.

- Apologize unnecessarily, it's makes the child feel better about being in trouble and reminds us all that we are all human.

- Take a time out before punishment, all of you. It helps you all to cool off, allows for reflection, and usually ends up in a more appropriate punishment and an understanding of what happened and what is expected, for everyone.

- Don't try to temporarily separate yourself from the family for the sake of the family, like with your "stay in my bedroom til he goes to bed" situation.. I don't know you well enough to say for sure, but that sounds like an unhealthy habit as far as it relates to the family unit.

- feel free to hold a differing opinion, but allow for compromise in all things. Remember that she has a different parenting style than you do (apparently) and take that into consideration.

Sorry I can't offer more specific advice, feel free to take what works and discard the rest.

[swanicyouth]

Time for the belt.

[TH3M B0N3Z]

Back in 2010...
Did this boy witness any DM?

It could have sent the: wrong message...if in fact he did.

Why did you pry that deeply?

[cardaddy]

First; Fishincricket is fairly wise in his thoughts there my brother! :dblthumb2:

Before you call Dr. Phil for a time slot, you need to sit down with your girl and talk this out. There is no way she needs to let Ryan keep this up... IT WILL BITE HER IN THE A$$! (And may cost you both your relationship with each other.)

Two things that kids and animals understand in this world, "pleasure" and "pain". Train a dog with it, train a kid with it. Works the same either way. You don't have to beat a kid (or your dog for that matter) to make them feel pain. (Although it may surely make you feel better to take a few whacks at it.) :laughing: Spare the rod, spoil the child is a very real thing my friend.

Kid spends all their time with a game console, take the console away (better yet, take the controllers and they'll hate the useless console sitting there). Kid loves TV, take the TV outta' the room. Make a list of the most important things in your life, her life, HIS life. Imagine if every time you hurt her you have to do without one of the things on your 'list'. He'll gladly tell you his "favorite things", ask him. ;) Now, kid smarts off, BOOM.... you guys (as a united front) let him know "X" is now something you're doing away with for a week. Acts up again, and you pick something else. Know what the kid wants above everything else and when everything else gets in the way of common sense (IE he's acting up for no reason), start taking things on that list away. Soon, if he keeps playing his games, he'll end up sitting in his room counting loops in the carpet.

Same thing for the two of you guys. He sees y'all fighting and knows you like something or she likes something and she says to you, "OK, you cannot touch your car till the end of the week". He'll know that you messed up and YOU are having to pay the price for it. Rules are not just for kids you know. If they see you suffer they feel as powerful as you are.

Ryan is constantly looking to establish his 'space' in your family pack, just as a dog will establish thier own place in a pack. That is not abnormal, it's just what we all do. Take 2 dogs that have been together for years and get along perfectly. Now introduce a 3rd one into the household. Within minutes ALL THREE will fight until the "pack" has been re-established. They don't fight because they don't like one another, not at all... they are just trying to figure out the boundaries, what their 'job' is within their pack. A dog will drive itself crazy until if KNOWS what it's place is, and once it knows, it'll never act up again.

Animals and people in their core, function better with structure. That structure is always there no matter how loosely it's established.

Pleasure and pain; We all live by it. Getting up at 5:30 every morning to go to work really sucks, and is surely painful for those that do it. However.... come pay day, it starts getting pretty pleasurable. What is it they say about working out, "No pain, no gain". Same thing actually.

You do seriously need to address this though as Ryan is already seeing that you're 'checking out', and HE IS WINNING! You get frustrated and don't want to be confrontational, I get it. But you've also said that he doesn't act the same way with you as he does with his mother. I'm not going to get into the "kids having kids" thing, but there is a reason that young parents get behind the ball, especially young single mothers. Quite often it's the grandparents fingerprints that take hold those first 2~3 formative years as they are the ones doing the lions share of the parenting. Then when the young parents start taking over the child now has yet another set of rules. (May be harder, may not.... but it's usually different.)

Ask your girl what she feels when 'this' happens, and 'this' and 'this'. Show her you care and you want to support HER no matter WHAT the circumstance. It's time to be proactive, not reactive. Trust me, Ryan HAS BEEN and still is, finding out just what and where he can get away with his little bag of tricks. She needs to know that you are not happy with what he can become, BUT that you are not the bad guy. Also that you are not going to "go hide with your forum buddies" every time the air starts getting thick. She knows she has problems with him, but sounds like she does not have the skills to deal with them.

You didn't mention if the 'dad' is in the picture or not and this will play huge in the young mans mind as to what/where/who he is. You guys MUST sit down and address these issues. It sounds like you really love Ryan, and have a good relationship with him, by your statement that you have a good time together when 'mom' is not around. What you do need to do is let him know how much he's hurting his mother. And start pointing out to him what the results of his actions will be. All the while she needs to know how much YOU SEE her hurt while she is either unable, or unwilling to deal with him.

My younger brother (deceased) met his wife when she was 15 and pregnant. She was for the most part homeless, lived in a shack in the woods at night (or under her sisters crawl space) and broke into her sisters house during the day to try and find food and shelter. That was some seriously damaged $hit! Her son though became to know my brother as his ONLY dad. My brother wasn't exactly what I'd want as a father figure for ANYBODY, but it was better than nothing at all. FWIW he and I were 11 years apart and nobody even imagined we were related, (YES we were that different) and shared no redeeming values, but he LOVED Michael enough to adopt him and did the best he could with limited education and resources. Even then, his mother would often fall back on the "you're not even his father" routine. Extremely frustrating at the VERY LEAST!!!

The road to fixing his behaviour isn't an easy path. It's taken years to get here, and can take years to fix, but if you don't start acting TOGETHER to address it, NOW while you can his teens will be upon you and you may never get a handle on it. If you think he's 'too big for his britches' now..... just wait till he's 13 and feeling invincible. :rolleyes:

[bill walsh]

my grandson would do the same things when younger get into trouble at day care and they would call grampa how i fixed this was have him live with us in 1month he was so much better and went home and has not caused any problems since

[Fishincricket]

my grandson would do the same things when younger get into trouble at day care and they would call grampa how i fixed this was have him live with us in 1month he was so much better and went home and has not caused any problems since

So can I send my wife's kid to live with you? lol

[Setec Astronomy]

I was 23 when I met my wife, she was 37.

I thought you were my hero when you stood up to the dealer establishment and tried to get them to see the detailing light, but now you're really my hero! Ok, back on topic...

[TH3M B0N3Z]

Maybe I make my gf's son sound worse than he really is. He has calmed down so much from when he was 2 until 4 or 5. Years 4 or 5 and on saw much better behavior. Being nearly 8 years old, he's fully aware of how he's acting, but it's almost like he doesn't care how he's acting and he has to be reminded. I remind him all the time, his mom does, too, but sometimes I guess I just don't see it. He seems to do well in school... he's really smart in math. The kid can come up with a million ways on how to get to a particular number. He randomly spouts off numbers, too. He's kinda too smart for his own good, lol.

Aside from all that, I get irritated when he's constantly battling his mom and then I get even more irritated when she just takes all the BS. I'll ask her why she doesn't say anything and a lot of the responses are, "I'll already took care of it", or "I just don't have the energy, it's every single day, etc.". Could I be a little critical? I work anywhere from 8 to 10 hours a day, that's lots of time at work and not at home. My dad was always at work and that never caused me to pit against one or the other. I was no perfect kid, of course, but Ryan is just a very different kind of kid. Lots of people wonder if he's ADD or ADHD, but the kid can sit through an entire 3 hours Harry Potter movie, Jurassic Park, etc. He asks me if he can watch Predator, lol. Uh... no.