The Joke Thread

[DLB]

Thought a little comic relief every now and then would be nice.

KEEP IT CLEAN! This thread will be gone in no time if people start posting objectionable material. I think you probably know what PG-13 is...

I'll start.

Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who has moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawn's in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[JohnHenry]

My brother sent this to me in honor of the fortieth anniversary of my arrival at Parris Island.

Semper Fi!

The Aisle Seat

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London.One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a US Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.
__________________

[DLB]

(Apologies for the all Caps - it was a forward).

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE
AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[Shane731]

Ha ha, this is good. OK, I have a couple.

Many years ago, a midget was arrested and charged with fortune-telling. Later that night he escaped. The next day the newspaper headlines read, "Small Medium at Large."


WHO PAYS THE BILL?

In reply to your request to send a check, I wish to inform you that the present condition of my bank account makes it almost impossible.
My shattered financial conditions are due to federal laws, corporation laws, mothers-in-law, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, and outlaws.
Through these taxes I am compelled to pay a business tax, assessment tax, head tax, school tax, income tax, casket tax, food tax, furniture tax, sales tax, and excise tax. Even my brain is taxed.
I am required to get a business license, car license, hunting license, fishing license, truck and auto license, not to mention marriage and dog license. I am also required to contribute to every society and organization which the genius of man is capable of bringing into life; to women’s relief, unemployed relief, and gold digger’s relief—also to every hospital and charitable institution in the city, including the Red Cross, the Black Cross, the Purple Cross, and the Double Cross.
For my own safety, I am compelled to carry life insurance, liability insurance, burglary insurance, accident insurance, property insurance, business insurance, earthquake insurance, tornado insurance, unemployment insurance, old-age insurance, and fire insurance.
My own business is so governed that it is no easy matter for me to find out who owns it. I am inspected, suspected, disrespected, rejected, dejected, and compelled until I prove an inexhaustible supply of money for every known need of the human race.
Simply because I refuse to donate something or other I am boycotted, talked about, lied about, held up, held down, and robbed until I am almost ruined. I can tell you honestly that except for a miracle that happened I could not enclose this check. The wolf that comes to my door nowadays just had pups in my kitchen. I sold them, and here’s the money.
Would like more business to pay more taxes.

Sincerely Yours,

[jpegs13]

1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves
me.
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you’re wrong.
4. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink
to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. That’s enough, Nickelback.
7. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
8. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may
know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately
choose not to be friends with?
9. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it
wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would
magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did
we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message
boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
10. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
11. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger
and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I
first saw it.
12. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the
only one who really, really gets it.
13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand
than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
15. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.
16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
finish a text.
17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
18. Was learning cursive really necessary?
19. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a
Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
22. My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired
about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.”
Classy, bro.
23. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”,
all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
24. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just
nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams
up to prevent a #### from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,
brothers!
26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and
said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure
I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how
the person died.
31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.
32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.
33. I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine
flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with
an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”
34. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
35. Bad decisions make good stories
36. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if
I do!
37. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
38. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.
39. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to
go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so
incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this
shouldn’t be a problem….
40. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.
41. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t
want to have to restart my collection.
42. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
43. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks
me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.
44. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
45. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV.. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t
watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone
and run away?
47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
48. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she
hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.
49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles…
51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate
drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate
cyclists.
52. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.
53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
54. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not
to answer when they call.
55. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what
do to with it.
56. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time…
57. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what
would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to
that?
58. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and
the link takes me to a video instead of text.
59. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone
they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
60. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
61. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
62. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag,
saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat #######
before dinner

[Shane731]

:haha:

[kronos]

I hope this one is not too offensive.



Two buddies were talking and one says to the other, "Hey man, lately I've been having a bout of dyslexia."

The other friend asks, "What's dyslexia?"

So he explains, "Well, let me give you an example. The other day I wanted to tell the ticket counter lady that I wanted to buy two tickets to Pittsburgh, but instead I told her, 'can I have two pickets to Tittsburgh."

So the friend laughed and said, "You know, something like that happened to me the other day. I was having breakfast with my wife at the table and instead of asking, 'honey can you please pass the butter', I said, 'B@%$h, you ruined my life!'

[DLB]

JOHN IS THE WINNAR!
Dude...I laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and...

Good one.

DLB

[Shane731]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady.

"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled."

"My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him."

"I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

[DLB]

Well, at least the 5 of us can laugh! :D

My Friends,

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives!

Some doctor on the TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.

Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a
bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of vocka, a pockage of
Pringlies, tha mainder of a botl Prozic and Valumscriptins, the res of the
Chesescke an a box a chocolets.


Yu haf no idr who frkin gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

[DLB]

Another that you guys and gals might appreciate.

One day a man strolled in to the paint section of a hardware store and walked up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary colored paint," he says. "Sure" the clerk replies. "Mind if I ask what it's for?" "My parakeet, "the man said. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so beautifully he is sure to win." "Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will surely kill the poor thing!" "No they won't," says the customer. "Listen, buddy, I'll bet you twenty bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him." "You're on" said the customer. Two days later the man walks back in the store and very sheepishly lays $20 on the counter. "So the paint killed him?" asked the clerk. "Indirectly," the man said. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but I think the sanding between coats did him in."

[kronos]

Well, at least the 5 of us can laugh! :D

My Friends,

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives!

Some doctor on the TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.

Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a
bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of vocka, a pockage of
Pringlies, tha mainder of a botl Prozic and Valumscriptins, the res of the
Chesescke an a box a chocolets.


Yu haf no idr who frkin gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

Ha ha. This one is good. :xyxthumbs:

[kronos]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:


* 40-ish.................................49.

* Adventurous.............................Slept with everyone.

* Athletic................................No breasts.

* Average looking.........................Moooo.

* Beautiful...............................Pathologic al liar.

* Emotionally Secure......................On medication.

* Feminine................................Fat.

* Free Spirit.............................Junkie.

* Friendship first........................Former ####.

* New-Age.................................Body hair in the wrong places.

* Old-fashioned...........................No B.J.'s

* Open-minded.............................Desperate.

* Outgoing................................Loud and embarrassing.

* Professional............................#####.

* Voluptuous..............................Very fat.

* Large frame.............................Hugely fat.

* Wants soul mate.........................Stalker.


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:


* Yes.....................................No

* No......................................Yes

* Maybe...................................No

* We need.................................I want

* I am sorry..............................You'll be sorry

* We need to talk.........................You're in trouble

* Sure, go ahead..........................You better not

* Do what you want........................You will pay for this later

* I am not upset..........................Of course, I am upset, you moron!

* You're attentive tonight................Is sex all you ever think about?



DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:


* I am hungry.............................I am hungry

* I am sleepy.............................I am sleepy

* I am tired..............................I am tired

* Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!

* I love you..............................Let's have sex now

* I am bored..............................Do you want to have sex?

* May I have this dance?..................I'd like to have sex with you.

* Can I call you sometime?................I'd like to have sex with you.

* Do you want to go to a movie?...........I'd like to have sex with you.

* Can I take you out to dinner? ..........I'd like to have sex with you.

* I don't think those shoes go with that outfit.......I'm gay

[turbos17]

My brother sent this to me in honor of the fortieth anniversary of my arrival at Parris Island.

Semper Fi!

The Aisle Seat

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London.One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a US Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.
__________________

ROFL...LMFAO! :laughing:

[DLB]

A bachelor who for companionship, had a beloved cat for over 10 years, plans a vacation to Paris and entrusts the cat with his brother. As soon as he arrives in Paris he calls his brother and asks how his cat is doing without him. "Oh, the cat? He's dead." said the brother bluntly. "I can't believe this!" yells the bachelor. "How could you tell me he's dead like that?" "How else was I supposed to tell you?" the brother asked. "Well you could have broke it to me gently." the brother went on. "When I called today you could have said he is up on the roof but the fire department is getting him down. Then tomorrow when I called you could have said that he fell while they were trying to rescue him and broke his back but, don't worry, the best vet in town was doing the surgery to repair it. And then when I called the third day you could have said they did all they could do but they couldn't save him." The brother thought about this and says, "That does sound better than the way I said it." "Never mind," says the bachelor exasperated, "How's mother?" The brother says "She's on the roof but the fire department is getting her down."