New Rules

[BILL]

George Carlin Rules for 2007


New Rule 1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com !
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the
captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule 2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than
a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: lucky bastards

New Rule 4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of
your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule 5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule 6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket... water, but without
that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That should be your flavored water.

New Rule 7: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the
top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you
just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule 8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger
the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule 9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the
amount, deciding, "No, I don't want cash back", and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule 10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule 11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of
Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker
table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive
farting?

New Rule 12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule 13: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the
first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule 14: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule 15: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint, as if I
just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed
to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

[supercharged]

Originally Posted by BILL

George Carlin Rules for 2007

New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: lucky bastards


New Rule 8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger
the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

Good ones!
Maybe I should place that Starbucks order, especially when there is a huge line behind me...

[BILL]

Originally Posted by supercharged

Good ones!
Maybe I should place that Starbucks order, especially when there is a huge line behind me...

I Got a feeling this post will be cleaned up

[justin30513]

My gosh guys........it's not that bad.

Funny and true!!!!

[justin30513]

Originally Posted by BILL

I Got a feeling this post will be cleaned up

We don't have a Starbucks here but we have gas stations with scratch off lottery tickets. The line will be 12 deep and I will the 11th guy in line. I just want to pay for my gas and leave but NOOOOOOOOOOO! Billy Joe Bob up there is propped up on the counter going "Hmmmmmm......Guess I'll have 3 Lucky 7's........no.....make 5 Shamrocks.......no no no...2 7's and 3 Shamrocks."

ARGHHHHHHH!

Makes me soooooooo mad!

[FloridaNative]

New Rule 11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of
Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker
table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive
farting?


Oh man this one cracked me up!! Can you just imagine the athletes "preparing" for competitive farting!! lol

[ryandamartini]

lol nice one..



LOL the starbucks one is SSOOOOOOOOOO true. I live in the upper side of Tampa, and christ Ive seen starbucks orders the baristo wrote that covered the entire cup! [They write the order on the cup]

[P1et]

I agree with ALL OF THESE! George is a MAN amongst MEN! He calls it like it is.

The Starbucks one is great. I hate all those (*&$(%*$ idiots who order complicated coffee. I would never spend $5 on that crap anyways, and if I want a coffee and ask for "just a coffee" they always think I'm some sort of an idiot.


THANKS FOR LETTING ME RANT!

[GearHead_1]

I caught one of the airings of the competitive eating thing. They had a woman on there, all of 120 lbs. She was the Cheesecake Record holder. 10 lbs., that's right 10 lbs. in 9 minutes. I can't even fathom that.

[Surfer]

Originally Posted by BILL

New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: lucky bastards!

Yeh, where the hell were these teachers when I was growing up

Originally Posted by P1et

I agree with ALL OF THESE! George is a MAN amongst MEN! He calls it like it is.

The Starbucks one is great. I hate all those (*&$(%*$ idiots who order complicated coffee. I would never spend $5 on that crap anyways, and if I want a coffee and ask for "just a coffee" they always think I'm some sort of an idiot.


THANKS FOR LETTING ME RANT!

But dude....Caramel Frap ownz all!